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12:35am 01/07/2005
 
mood: tired
I think that I actually stopped cutting for good this time. Ever since I started reaching 20 and going to see Christy, my new psychologist, things haven't gotten any easier, but I have stopped acting on urges. I think it is something I was doing so I could have a better grip on things. I used to do it to snap myself back into place whenever things would go awry. I couldn't have that, so I would just cut until my brain would clear up. Now things seem a bit more with it, I guess, if you wanna use slang to describe it.
I had a serious crave the other day when I realized that I am going to owe $400 to my phone company. I sympathized with the family men that kill themselves when they fall into debt (well, I always have, but this time I felt like one of their kind), and I was just willing to do anything to get this expensive burden off my back. I seriously think that money is the root of all evil because of things like that. I hate this. A 20 year old girl should not be worried about falling into debt. I even wanted to go back to being a teenage girl that worried about boys.
On top of all this, however, I held in the urge to go right out and slice something. I have been suppressing a lot lately and I actually feel better as compared to normally when I try to stop feeling like a giant ball of held in hurt.
 
     
cut me
 
   
01:01am 09/06/2005
 
mood: worried
I don't think it is right that I should be scared of telling my bf that I invited some friends to hang out with us tommorow.
 
     
cut me
 
   
10:50pm 07/06/2005
 
mood: sick
So now the Lexapro isn't good enough either. I know I haven't posted in a bit. I'm sorry.
Now I am on risperdal.
I am beginning to wonder if any of us are really "sick" at all, considering so many of my friends confide in me to tell me about their cutting. I am beginning to think that it is one of those things that everyone does just no one ever talks about.
I have just been thrown from pill to pill in the past couple of years and it sucks.
They almost baker acted me on my fucking 20th birthday. I had a shrink appointment and the fat nazi bitch went in and told him that I wanted to kill myself, after she emotionally forced me to sign a release paper. My doctor said he was going to call the hospital and that they were going to watch me just to make sure everything was okay.
What did my mother do?
She kept haggling away about my apparent suicide threats and temper tantrums. I told them I wasn't going to the hospital on my birthday and they smiled at me. They had the nerve to fucking laugh at me like I was some goddamn baby! Now I am being put on some sort of watch.
My new therapist, though, at Nova, rocks.
 
     
cut me
 
   
04:00am 18/05/2005
 
mood: depressed
I hit some guy's car. His car is ok, and mine has an ugly dent now. His has some slight damage to the wheel. Nothing that is going to cost a billion dollars or anything to fix. I made a really dumb mistake though. I hate getting nervous. I got so nervous that I hit the accelerator instead of the break. I could've fucking killed someone. I am never driving again. This has happened enough times to me. I hate my life.

So what did I do in this moment of self-hatred? I went to my friend's house and we puff-puff-passed a bowl. I only had a few hits, 6 at the most. I didn't get too high. It sucks cuz now I am slightly mellow, but I can't stop crying.

What did I do since I couldn't get high. I carved the word "RETARD" on top of my fat thigh. They won't bleed. I am so fucking fat there that I have to go through layers just to get to the blood in my thighs.

I've barely eaten. I am trying to stay away from food, but lately I have been going crazy with the fat ass foods. I hate my period. It makes me eat boxes of cookies and entire pizzas and cheeseburgers. I'm such a fucking fat ass.

I'm going to therapy for SUICIDAL TENDENCIES! How bout that guys!

They took me off Paxil and put me on Lexapro. The past few days have been nothing but me thinking of ways to die. I <3 this. I could live off of suicide and anorexia for days.

The only upside to any of this is that Lex makes me get sick, sometimes naseuous, sometimes I get diarreah (I know that's gross, sorry), but at least I don't have time to digest any of it. I noticed, though, that it does it more with safe foods than all of the nasty shit.
 
     
cut me
 
Sorry for not updating in a while   
01:19am 06/05/2005
  Well, I threw everything away. I started cutting again, and my legs look fantastic with the new scars. Right. I was hoping that I would be able to pull off shorts over the summer or at least be able to swim at the beach.
A friend took me out a couple of weeks ago to get my mind off of all the shit that had been going on lately, and we got drunk and high. We were responsible, of course. We didn't drive around or anything like that. We just chilled at his house with a few other of his friends. This made me feel a lot better than cutting would.
My boyfriend found out when he asked me why I didn't call him during my break at work. (I had gotten off early, otherwise I would have had to had gone back to being the 20 year old with the curfew). I told him what I had done, and he had gotten furious. Big fucking deal. A couple of joints and a drink never hurt anyone that didn't get behind the wheel. He forbids me from smoking or drinking ever again.
As a retort I said "Would you rather have me cut???"
He responded with "You are not allowed to do either of those things. I am trying to find a new way for you to be ok that doesn't involve drugs or cutting. There are other ways to be happy."
So now I am not allowed to do anything like a fucking 5-year-old.
I appreciate having a caring boyfriend, but he keeps yelling at me all the time. We fight constantly because he says that I sound like his mother. All I am trying to do is help him get on track with his life. He is trying to get me to stay off the drugs and the cutting, which are the only two things that make me feel OK. Well, I am tired and slightly incoherent. They are changing my meds again btw. Lexapro and Depakote.
 
     
cut me
 
   
10:10am 26/02/2005
 
mood: contemplative
mood: Aware
"Self Injury Awareness Day - March 1st
1st March is Self Injury Awareness Day.

SIAD is a global awareness day, and yet it is not supported by any nations' governments, because it is a grass-roots idea. Somehow, in the mists of time, the date was set as the 1st of March, and organisations around the world make extra efforts to raise awareness ready for SIAD.

The colour for some reason is orange. Some people wear an orange ribbon, but in the past SIAD bracelets have been worn:

- Orange beads if you self harm;
- Orange and white if you used to;
- White if you have never self harmed but understand.

If you agree that people should be made aware of this issue and this day, re-post this in your journal.
 
     
cut me
 
   
10:21pm 22/02/2005
 
mood: tired
These medicines are making me feel awful. I keep on getting sick. I was at the Sawgrass Mall today and ended up running into the bathroom like 3 times. I thought that I had to throw up or something, somehow get rid of all that. I couldn't do anything, though. My stomach felt like it weighed more than the rest of me and my head was spinning. No one believes me that the meds are doing it. I told them that it was the Depakote, that is also making me get fat. I went from being 100 pounds to being 110 pounds. I know that that isn't overweight, but all of that happened in less than a month. Ryan is worried about me because of what happened at the mall, and how faint I started to look. He's the only one who believes me, or he is freaking out because of the weight gain. I dunno. I just want something that will work for me. I want something that won't make me go the bathroom all the time. I want something that won't make me fall asleep in school.
That's another thing; today I couldn't stay awake at all at school. I had to leave my ENC 1102 class because I felt so rude. I think that that is due to the fact that I have to ride the public bus in the morning now to school. Ugh...crowded city bus. I have this odd habit of getting up really early so I don't have to rush. Yet, I get sidetracked and end up having to run anyways. HoHum.
I hope that things do get a little better.
 
     
cut me
 
   
12:04am 11/02/2005
 
mood: fat
I'm so fucking ugly. I'm about to become fat too. Great. The antidepressants are making me feel fat. Isn't that an adverse effect?
 
     
1 suicide| cut me
 
   
10:23pm 27/01/2005
 
mood: worried
ugly_whore

I found out yestarday that I am bipolar. I was given Depakote, and for some reason, my mom said that she needs to check on me to make sure I'm taking it. That means that she is going to come in in the middle of the night and wake me up.
Has anyone else here been on Depakote?
Questions:
1. Can it impair your ability to have children?
2. Have any of you experienced liver problems?
3.Did it fuck up anyone's sleeping habits?
I'm thinking about getting married in a couple of years, but I think that my boyfriend is going to want kids. He keeps talking about how we're going to raise this Gothic family together, and he is very family oriented. I'm worried.
I don't even think that I am really bipolar. I think I was misdiagnosed, and so does everyone else except my family.
 
     
cut me
 
   
12:12am 21/01/2005
  sorry for not being beautiful, but...Collapse )<img src= "http://img.photobucket.com/skinny_whore/iranme.jpg</lj-cut>  
     
cut me
 
   
03:53pm 18/01/2005
 
mood: ocd-ish
need your opinionsCollapse )
 
     
cut me
 
   
03:51pm 18/01/2005
 
mood: ocd-ish
Please give me your opinionsCollapse )
 
     
cut me
 
   
12:28pm 17/01/2005
 
mood: okay
Hey everyone. I think that tommorow I am going to sign up for that individual therapy that the psychologist was telling me about. I'm just hoping that she won't be my therapist because she makes me feel like some sort of retarded (sorry for that terminology) masochist.
I'm doing OK, I guess. I haven't cut in a week. Last time I cut was that night at the bus stop. Hopefully, I won't get the urge to do it again anytime soon.
I hope all of you are doing all right, though. To those who aren't, I hope you guys feel better soon.
♥ Yasmin
 
     
cut me
 
   
11:55pm 03/01/2005
 
mood: infuriated
I am such a slut. I'm so in love with this kid. I just met him on the bus a couple of months ago. I take back finding him a job. I thought that would make me want to stay away cuz of the "no dating". Everytime I see him, my heart skips a beat and jumps into my throat. He loves me too, he told me in the car last night. He said it first, though. I just grabbed him. Earlier, we were playing Truth or Dare, and I was sitting there making out with everyone right in front of him. Shit. I apolgized 1009849750932 times, and he told me "Chill. It's just a game".
My boyfriend just fucking broke up with me. Actually he said that "we're taking a break". He wants to get back together sometime. He still tells me that he loves me and he misses me. He has no home, and no job. He's thinking of leaving the Covenant House. Damn it. God fucking damn it. He would rather live on the street. *violent rampage*.
I'm so fucking frustrated!
 
     
cut me
 
   
01:02am 03/01/2005
  This sucks. Everytime I hang out with Ryan, I am more and more in love with him. And he told me that he is in love with me. Lee is going to fucking fire us.  
     
cut me
 
   
11:34am 02/01/2005
  I'm in love with a coworker, who is also into me. Shit.  
     
5 suicides| cut me
 
   
10:54pm 30/12/2004
  It's a good thing that my boss didn't give me a break after two hours because I think I would've killed myself for real. Right when I got to work, he asked me "were you closing usher last night?" I told him yes, and he bitched about how everything was "not clean". I said "sorry", and he told me he never wanted to see it like that again. For some reason, I went to my post and started thinking about how I can't do anything right. I was going to do a bathroom check and then Toby walked by me and went "hello, yasmin!!!" in his cartoon voice cuz he saw that I was about to cry. For some reason, someone trying to help me made me feel even more upset and I just ran into the bathroom and started crying and cutting with the end of a pen that I bent the night before to get the edge sharp. (I'll explain that under a cut). I checked the time, though, and realized that I better finish fast. I wanted to go on my break so I could hide at Dunkin Donuts in the restroom, eat, and cut. I couldn't go on it, though. I wanted to cut "incompetent" and "retard" into myself. I think that would've gotten me fired, though.
theCollapse )
 
     
cut me
 
   
11:46pm 28/12/2004
 
mood: crushed
These updates are the only thing keeping me from killing myself. I noticed that most of the conversations I have end up involving suicide or SI somehow. I realized that I am addicted.
Today wasn't a bad day at all. I went shopping with my friends. I bought a cute shirt at Hollister. It's "scene" as my friend Stella would call it. <3 I bought 2 new skirts and pink shoelaces w/ blue stars and Hot Topic. I also bought some compilation CD cuz VNV Nation and Apoptygma Berserk are on it.
Then I got home and my mom said the shirt made me look fat. She also hated the black skirt cuz it had a pink corset in the front. To make matters worse, my boyfriend called me and started yelling at me about how I never stand up for myself and don't try hard to make this relationship work. I just went "no one knows what I have been going through these past few days." And he went "what the hell does that mean?" I said "my legs are a fucking storybook!!!" He says "why do you slice?" I said "why do you burn?" He told me he burned to make sure he was still alive and said it was different because what I do is "self-mutilation" which is just to "hurt myself". So I said "Fine. That makes me the sick one", and he said "I'm not going to touch that. I g2g". I told him I wasn't calling him sick, and he said that he knows, but he wasn't going to touch that.
 
     
3 suicides| cut me
 
hmm   
12:51pm 26/12/2004
 
mood: content
Things have gone ok, so far. I'm going to work in 2 hours, so I don't think that anything too bad can go wrong. I got the Dr.Martens I wanted. I haven't cut. I feel like a huge, gross fat ass, but everything with other people has been OK.
 
     
cut me
 
   
12:46am 26/12/2004
 
mood: nauseated
I had a hard time getting into my jeans this morning. I felt disgusting. For the first time ever, I felt like a fat ass. My grampa cooked this huge prime rib for x-mas and I smelled the pig carcass and the fat coming off of it. I always wondered what Lori Gottlieb meant in that book "Stick Figure" when she said that she was afraid to breathe cuz that alone might let the calories enter. I settled with my Italian Parmesean Herb rice and an "arepa". I'll eat, but not if it means eating raw fat.
 
     
cut me